Wednesday, April 24, 2013


I have a fear of ants. A bad one. They are small and everywhere. Want to know my number one fear in life? That I'll die before my children are old enough to remember me. Yes, to some of you I might sound like a nut job. But, to others you might understand my fear. I'm guessing if you're a Mom, you too might have that same fear.

I am flying on a plane on Saturday. Since I've had kids, I've only flew with my kids. Since I've had Jack, I've only been away from them for the length of one night. Pete and the kids are staying home so here is where my fear is intensified. I'll be gone for 5 nights.(Bethany, don't read this part since you're flying with me) I'm nervous to fly and leave my family behind. What if something happens and I don't make it back? When deciding to go on this trip I actually struggled with it. I want to live my life. I want to go places . Why do I feel selfish? I have such Momma guilt. I have been having major anxiety all week.

My fear is that I'll miss so much. Watching them splash each other in the bathtub. The laughter, the hugs, the giggles. The big things, getting on the school bus for the first time. Taking a picture of them with their first deer. Helping them order corsages for prom dates. Graduating high school & college. Sharing the mother-son dance at their weddings.

I've told Pete the important things before my trip. No, not anything about finances. I've told him the password to the snapfish account, where I store the thousands of photos I've taken. How to print out the blog so, the kids can read what we've done this year. Where I uploaded the videos from my iPhone so that the boys can still watch them! What traditions I want to make sure the boys grow up with. He thinks I am nuts to be even having these discussions with him but these are things that are important to me.
I've wrapped a present for them to open every day I'm on my trip. I made them each a photo album. Thanks to technology, we'll be able to face time and I can see them. Everyone says I'll be fine...but I'm still fearful.


  1. I struggle with some of the same things, and I did before Turks and Caicos too, but I made it back to talk about how much fun I had. I also made Ben a "care package" of things that he and Mackenna can do when Im gone, including a kite and chalk. (As if he wouldn't know what to do without me...)
    I'll be there for you, and vis versa. If anything, we can look back and get a little more appreciation in November, right? :) xo!

  2. While you don't want it to rule your life, I think it's natural! I felt such guilt for leaving Caroline those two days for my conference even though she was having fun with Daddy during Prelude. I ran through airports to make flights carrying a cake that I swear I HAD to give Caroline otherwise she would be so upset with me. I also freaked out once I made it through the gate and watched her go down the escalator. But, those return hugs are so good and you will get them too. Have fun :)